Damnit, examinations always reduce me to an ADD 5-year-old.

And I know that I'm just screwing myself for the paper later because whatever it is Can.Wait.

Need. To. Fucking. Focus.

ARGH.

I used to pride myself (just a teensy bit) on Understanding Calculus. Not memorising, but comprehending, utilising, implementing. It's been a good year since that was necessary and I've just been slaughtered by a couple of integration questions of the Brother's test paper.

Not because they were uber complicated but because I'd forgotten all the rules, the subtleties and WHAT THE FARKING ZARDWARKS I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE C.

It's not quite wangst-worthy but it is very demoralising.

This only proves that my brain is rotting away in university.

It's my last week of classes and it's over. Finally.
Monday was trying, Tuesday was fabulous, Wednesday was exhausting, Thursday was tiring and Friday is for freaking out a bit and enjoying life before revision begins.

Aside from great group-mates for my projects (which reduces the grief involved), I'm incredibly thankful for whatever it was that made me choose Prof Chong's G1 for COMM101. His course and methods, gave me something More to look forward to week after gruelling, mind-numbing week. And the people in G1, so much more than the regular zombie clones without interest, brains or personality.

I relished the opportunities we got to do speeches and do them our way instead of the commercialised, business-centric crap the other sections were doing. Even if you weren't speaking, it was great fun to watch. And when you finally did get up there to do your thing, there are few things which feel as great as that.

Grades are good but the challenge was better.

It is an amazing thing to be special, utterly capable and in control for even a second, what more 5 whole minutes. It's a great way to feel and think of yourself but honestly, it's not something most people believe in on a regular basis. I sure as hell don't. Which is why it is a very humbling thing to be told so by someone else, someone who means a great deal. Humbling because you feel pressured to live up to the hype now, hype that you don't quite understand really. And inspiring because apparently someone believes in you.

So, I started out this term thinking that I'll trudge through based on abstract goals and personal desires. I'm ending it thinking about people. The crazy people I want to go travel with, the people I've met this term, the people at home who're cheering subtly when they aren't thwacking me to study and all those nutcases I don't get to see often enough who will also be suffering in the next two/three weeks.

The fabulously rainy weather lately makes all the difference in the world too.

 I am going to be One with Paper 4.
One with Herland.
One with Brave New World.
One with Clockwork Orange. 
I shall not flail. 
I must not fail.
This is Literature.
It comes Naturally. 
This is not Physics which screws you over with funky shit.
This is Literature.
I love Literature.
Yes I do. 
I can do this.
This is the Last Goddamn Paper.
I have brains and I can use them.
Literature is about brains.
This is easy.
I can do this. 
I must do this because my Paper 1 is Quite Screwed.
Paper 4 is good. 
I like Paper 4. 
Paper 4 is Life until 5pm on Monday.
That is all.